There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Bill O’Reilly. But this week, we meet the Waiter (Foodus Jockeyus).

1. Description

The Waiter is a man and/or woman who can be identified most easily for its distinctive forced smile and fraudulent persona. On the surface, the Waiter appears to be friendly and pleasant. However, this is only their conniving ploy to convince you to give them money [see Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Waiter include gelling their hair and wearing mandatory uniforms [demonstrated in Fig 1.2].

2. Habitat

When the Waiter is not carrying food and beverages that he/she didn’t make, you can find them partying together in incestuous packs and in community colleges [pictured in Fig 2.1].

The Waiter can also be spotted in diners, cafes, and mid-level chain restaurants [see Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Waiters include getting pissed at customers, complaining about tips, and having no general ambition [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of the Waiter include binge drinking, smoking marijuana, not having health benefits, thinking they deserve a better tip for an expensive dinner even though they do just as much work for a cheaper meal, and snorting coke [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Waiter, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, be warned: the Waiter is a petty creature who enjoys getting together with other Waiters and discussing how awful a customer you are. So be sure to not provoke the Waiter when approaching it (unless you enjoy mucus-enhanced spittle as a condiment), and always be armed with tips (preferably over 15%) to keep it away from you.

5. Fun Facts

Did you know that 75% of the dead-beats from your high school are Waiters? The other 25% are gas station cashiers, day laborers, and pizza delivery boys.