There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Mac Heads. But this week, we meet Italians (Pizzaus Boyus).

1. Description

The Italian can be recognized easily for their angry scowls, formed from years of getting unreasonably upset over small misunderstandings [see Fig 1.1]

Italians can also be identified for their dark hair, large puffy noses, and obesity from carbohydrate-specific diets. [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of Italians include unrelentingly ugly faces, combing their hair with carburetor grease, large-breasted women, hair in inappropriate places, tanned skin from African bloodlines, and notoriously blank facial expressions [pictured in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

New York City, New Jersey, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, Chicago, and any city with restaurants having a name ending in a vowel [pictured below in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When Italians are not being hot-heads, they can be found slavishly believing in everything the Pope says, loan sharking, being born degenerates, loving Frank Sinatra, being controlled by the Mob, and using frantic hand gestures to express themselves [see Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of Italians include being closed-minded, being janitors, working in labor unions, being cowardly fighters, only eating foods made of tomatoes and dough and noodles, and working in the service industry [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Italians, feel free to say Hi when you see one. But be warned, Italians will be hostile at first. It is customary for them to angrily ask if you’re talking to them at least 2-3 times.

So when approaching them, be sure to wear a New York Yankees jersey and make a point to state how Rocky Marciano was the greatest boxer of all time.

After that, Italians should warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 4 Italians to change a light bulb. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to bury the guy they just killed to get the job.

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).

1. Description

The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].

Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .

The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they’re aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones… while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]

Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple’s shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Mac Heads, don’t be a stranger. And by don’t be a stranger, I mean that you’ll have to go to their mom’s basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs’ MacWorld keynote speech.

After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).

1. Description

The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],

Bewitched [Fig 1.2],

Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],

and Flame [Fig 1.4].

You’ll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].

2. Habitat

When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens’ sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don’t need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it’s sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Gays, don’t be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.

After that the Gays should warm right up to you.