Patrice O’Neal is one of the funniest out there. As long as you have a fucked up sense of humor, and can take a joke. Anyway, here is his great, accurate analysis of the current situation in sports, live at the Cringe Humor Show.

Found on: www.cringehumor.net

Texas is my home. I’ve had my issues with the state, but I’ve come to realize that home is what you make of it. Sure, there are stereotypes when it comes to a lot of things. Whether it the ever so infamous argument that I have a horse, the irritating question of if I still live in the Wild West and have shoot outs over card games, or the arrogant bullshit inquiry of why I’m not wearing a cowboy hat, it’s where I live and it’s where I’ll be till I die. So I thought I might represent my state by claiming superiority when it comes down to our sports teams. Yeah I know, my argument doesn’t hold much merit. But I have arrogant proof to back it up.

My state has good teams, mostly in sports I care about only if the team makes the playoffs, but that’s not my quarrel. What’s my dispute? Texas has better teams in not only performance, but also in name. We have representing teams of Texas like the Texas Rangers, Dallas Mavericks, Houston Texans, San Antonio Spurs, Dallas Cowboys, Houston Astros, Dallas Stars, Houston Rockets, and the Houston Aeros. Yes I had to name them all.

Every team I just named has something to do with our history. Look it up if you don’t believe me. Other states like California like to name their teams after Disney films. Teams like the Anaheim Mighty Ducks and the Anaheim Angels make me question the sexuality of their owners. What’s Disney’s deal here? Don’t they have enough money from making kids movies that have innuendoes in almost everyone of them? Stick to what your good at Disney, making countless amounts of parents suffer while their kids enjoy movies they’ll later regret liking.

States should really think about what they call their teams. Minnesota is a perfect example. Now I’ve never been to Minnesota, but I’m pretty sure the state isn’t wild, which their hockey team claims. Nor do I think of Vikings, which somehow Minnesota thought it would be a good name for their football team. All I can think when it comes to that state is the embarrassment of Jessie Ventura being governor at one point and how funny their accents are. Minn-ee-sotta!

As for the states that don’t have any professional teams, be glad you don’t. You wouldn’t want a team called the Idaho Potatoes or the Montana whatever it is your good at. So stop complaining and move to a state with a respectable name. Whatever you do, don’t move to California or Minnesota. You’ll be subject to mass ridicule even more than I already think of your place of origin.

Aside from the eight month summer I endure here, Texas has a lot of qualities besides my sports team’s names. The people down here are a coin flip when it comes to their attitude, our “authentic” Mexican food is awesome, and the pride in the state is beyond anything I’ve ever seen. I’ll say it once again, and this statement never grows old. Texas man, you gotta be here to understand it, and yes, King of the Hill does represent a certain part of the population. That’ll be the only plug I’ll ever give you other states.

The following message was approved by Geoff Jimminey. No funds were needed, just a vast space of free time.