Every now and then I’ll stay up for days at a time. It’s not because I’m a skin picking meth head or anything. Think of it as a personal desire to be an insomniac at will. My case is different from most insomniacs. I do it because it makes me produce the comic gold.

First of all, theres one thing you must have. Porn. See I usually don’t know I’m pulling an all nighter until it’s about 4 am. I could try to wake up my girlfriend for sex at 3 am, but I’ve been down that road before. It never works out. Shes got a "job" to wake up to in the morning. So I go to the next best thing.

Some sound advice to the people who may want to practice insomnia at will. Do not, I repeat, do not watch TV if you don’t have cable. Watch some old DVD’s or something. If you’re interested in the latest colon cancer news, or the "brilliant medical book doctors don’t want you to see" then go ahead. Learn the fuck up. I’d rather attempt a reach around on a kangaroo before subjecting myself to this so called medical research.

Everything has a reason. One of the reasons I purposely pull consecutive all nighters is it makes me more outspoken. I’ll talk shit to anyone if I haven’t slept in a couple. I’m not afraid of gun wielding Puerto Ricans after 48 hours of being up. Fucking Puerto Ricans. Utilizing all the same rights I have without being apart of the union. Get on board Puerto Rico. My tax dollars paid for that firearm asshole.

Speaking of firearms. One thing no one should do is try to limit my ability to handle them while I’m semi delusional from lack of shut eye. I may be resting my head on the barrel, but I know the gun is unloaded. Just leave the clip next to me. I’ll get around to unloading it in the air. And yes, I’m aware I’m at a gun range. But when I’m out of it targets lose their appeal. I’m going to try and get some sleep now. I just pray kangaroos can’t read.