Dear Sirs and/or Madams,

We were attempting to hold our tolerant tongues, but with the latest warning against Mexican Peppers, we felt we must speak out. First off, let us tell you how we sympathize with you. We understand it is very hard to grow foods organically, and get them to an accepting market while being stepped on by the fat cats greedily running our oppressive ‘democracy.’ We would like to offer our support to you humble farmers and growers. (Except the Midwest)

However we have a request, oh noble growers of Mexico. Could you please, pretty please, stop treating our fields like your citizens, and refrain from shitting all over them. It is tough being a vegan as is. (Vegetarians don’t count, as they are not as hardcore, and eat meat bi-products, just like Mussolini did.)

We have to traverse the raped landscape of this nation on our respective vespas and beachcruisers, all while hoping a gust of wind doesn’t blow our malnourished bodies away.  Now I can’t even enjoy a Red Pepper and Zucchini Quiche with out fear of getting the violent runs.

If you could do all of the Vegans of America this favor, the 15 of us, and the professors at Dartmouth, will be very grateful! All we ask is that you stop brutally oppressing your citizens for one moment, and correct this sanitation problem. After all, their freedoms and life savings will be there for you to pillage tomorrow! I need Mexican feces off my tomato today.

If you do not however correct this problem, we will need to have a serious response. We are completely against Republican wars, always, but we are not above dropping random bombs on undeserving victims for blue-state purposes. (Ask the Serbs)

That is obviously not a threat, as we are peace-loving individuals. Just please keep your disgusting body fluids to yourselves, and off of my $5 whole foods avocado. Thanks a bunch Jose.

Yours truly,
- Vegans of the American Continent & The Responsible Left