We all know Obama is capable of fixing things. He’s fixed the economy, health care, and the enviroment. Hell he’s even won the Nobel Peace Prize for his speeches alone. Ha. Yall thought I was an Obama supporter. But seriously folks this man can and will fix the wildfires in California. Seriously, he can fucking do it.

Well, citizens, it appears that our Presidential Nominees have finally chosen their running mates.   May I suggest we take a brief pause and think about this for a second, or two.  Now may I suggest that the old cliché “you don’t know what ya’ got till it’s gone” actually has more meaning than we ever originally imagined?  I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but why don’t they just crown Obama the Captain of the U.S.S. enterprise now and save months of future embarrassment that McCain’s Staff of Advisors are about to make.

So the economies in the dumper, oil’s up and the dollars down.  There are a few less jobs to be dealt, more mouths to be fed and the next four years are predicted to get worse.  So let’s blame Bush… or someone, but definitely a Republican.  It actually amazes me that we would even find another Republican to run in this rat race, and what surprises me even more, is that McCain was actually AHEAD in the polls!  

…Until now of course.  The truth of the matter is that the Republicans couldn’t believe it themselves!  Who would ever want to be the fall-guy for the next four years??  That’s crazy, no matter what anyone does, how much better can things really get?  They know this.  They’re smart people (they say).  But there’s a method to their madness for running in this Presidential race of course, but it goes far beyond anything we common laymen are privy to knowing.  When things really started heating up and looking really good for a McCain victory, the Republican party finally started waving the white flag and said, “fuck it, I guess the only way we can lose this thing is to choose a running mate that nobody ever heard of before.”  And Beavis joined in and said, “Yea, yea, from some state in East Bumblefuck that no ones ever even been to!”  Good idea, “But where?”  They sat around, rubbed their chins, and ripped open dozens of Castrol motor oil containers pouring them onto their Persian carpets, until finally someone said…

“Alaska!”  McCain, in the middle of a flashback, came- to and replied, “Eureka!”  But it wasn’t McCain who recommended Sarah Palin, it was one his advisors who said, “When I was John Edwards advisor we would travel quite often to Alaska and he started banging this local girl there involved in politics.  Her husband was never around because he was some big-wig that worked for BP Energy out there.  This chicks our perfect scape-goat to get out of this thing!  She’s anti-environment, pro-life, and a prominent feminist.  She admits she’s smoked a shit load of pot, and is the mother of five children, and the fifth one has downs!”  Finally McCain chimed back in and said, “How do you know so much about this woman?”  And his advisor said, “Well, John Edward’s told me the fifth child was mine.” 

There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met Fraternity Brothers. But this week, we examine the ever-present, Obama Voters (Youngus Ignoramus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like:

The Obama Voter comes in many shapes and sizes, but they only come in two colors: Black and White.

The Black Obama Voter can be identified easily because they’re black [example shown in Fig 1.1 below].

While the White Obama Voter can be easily identified for their whiteness [see Fig 1.2].

Also unique to the White Obama Voter are their perpetual frowns from white guilt [pictured below in Fig 1.3].

2. Where To Find Them:

The Black Obama Voter can be found in basketball courts, barbeques, inner cities, Baptist churches, mosques, Hip Hop clubs (that don’t play Gwen Stefani songs), and barbershops across the country [see Fig 2.1] .

And the White Obama Voter can be spotted on college campuses, the Whole Foods grocery store chain, “indie” rock shows, The Gap, and Starbuck’s coffeeshops in Seattle, Hollywood, Boston, New York City, and San Francisco [illustrated in Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies:

The Black Obama Voter has many hobbies, most of which include thinking OJ was innocent, eating the least appetizing part of chicken and pork, getting barked at by dogs, enjoying grape-flavored beverages, making White Obama Voters uncomfortable, and double-crossing Han Solo [see Fig 3.1].

Among the more popular hobbies of the White Obama Voter include being college students/professors/post-grads under 30, being rich, embellishing Obama’s Senate accomplishments, agreeing with Ron Paul despite him being Obama’s polar opposite politically, seeing nothing wrong about a black man asking for “Change”, co-opting/understanding Black Obama Voter anger, and using Obama as a “get-out-of-suspected-racism-forever” card [pictured below in Fig 3.2].

4. Notable Obama Voters:

Black Obama Voters: Al Sharpton [see Fig 4.1]

White Obama Voters: George Clooney [pictured in Fig 4.2]

5. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve met the Obama Voters, why not say “Hi” sometime? But be warned when approaching them: the Black Obama Voter is likely to challenge you to a non-organized game of basketball. It is an ancient ritual passed down from their ancestors of the 1970s.

But, the White Obama Voter will be very nervous around you on first meeting, if you’re non-caucasian. So you need to relate to them by saying you listen to Journey or watch The Office.

But most of all…

Yes we can! Otay! Buckwheat’s sister has "legitimate" reasons to vote for Obama this fall. Reasons that both enrage and amuse me, but that’s alright. I’m sure my tax dollars will go towards "legitimate" causes.

I swear, these people act as if Barack Hussein Obama is literal Jesus Christ. Him and his hope. I hope I get a million dollars. That doesn’t mean I have a plan for shit. Anywho, Studio 33 brings you a video, from the big-eared bagman from Chicago himself, Barack Hussein Obama.

Ha. So true. My personal belief is damn near all politicians are liars and thieves, out to pile up stacks of taxpayer cash, stroke their unquenchable ego, and vote themselves an amount of power that makes ya wanna collect weapons. I’ve made myself depressed. With that, laugh at these two idiots ensuring the democrats defeat.

This guy is a fucking lunatic. A rambling, racist, backwards ass lunatic. The David Duke of black people. Anyway, in this video clip, Conan O’Brian interviews Barrack Hussein Obama’s former (until last week) racist, anti-american, "reverend." It’s hilarious. God Bless America.

From the people who brought you Our World is Going Down the Toilet and Who’s That Dyke comes Baracky. A remake of Rocky with a political twist. Keep your hands up!