There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Waiter. But this week, we meet Gothic Teenagers (Nonus Conformistus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with their gay cousin, the Emo Kid, the Gothic Teenager can be easily recognized in America for their unique fashion style of wearing anything black, to display their view of the world (i.e. dark and evil, etc.). [illustrated in Fig 1.1]

The Gothic Teenagers are also known to have black hair (with optional colored streaks), facial piercings, over-sized combat boots, black lipstick, black mascara on their eyelashes, and black and red eyeliner, to disguise their inner pain. [example in Fig 1.2]

Other common traits of the Gothic Teenager includes wearing pale white make-up, t-shirts with industrial bands on them, sleeves that aren’t attached to anything, studded bracelets, fish-net stockings, and goth collars. [pictured below in Fig 1.3]

Perhaps the most important attributes of the Gothic Teenager, however, include being happy people who are unbelievably attractive and/or fit. [see Fig 1.4]

2. Habitat

When Gothic Teenagers aren’t in their obviously broken homes, they can be found at suburban strip mall food courts, Denny’s restaurants late at night, smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, all Spencer Gifts stores, and all Hot Topic stores. [pictured in Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the more popular hobbies of The Gothic Teenager include can usually be found worshiping the devil, reading poetry, being anti-establishment by smoking Marlboros, having AIM screennames like FireHellPainBabe666. [see Fig 3.1 for example of an typical goth AIM conversation]

The Gothic Teenager is also known for being heavily-exploited products of a bizarrely expressive youth sub-culture, slitting their wrists, secretly crying inside, fitting in with other non-conformists, and loving Tim Burton movies. [illustrated in Fig 3.2]

Other common hobbies of Gothic Teenagers include doing drugs, not having friends, and coming from dysfunctional families. [see Fig 3.3]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Gothic Teenager, feel free to say “Hi” when you see one. But, be warned: the Gothic Teenager is accustomed to being ridiculed by most of society. So when approaching one, be sure to look like The Cure, and/or mention how awesome Edgar Allan Poe is.

5. Fun Facts

It takes four Gothic Teenagers to change a light bulb: one to cry about it, one to write a poem about it, one to reject such a conformist act, and one to get his older brother to do it.