I’m constantly making my case on why midgets should become my butlers, but those little bastards know I’ll treat them like crap. It’s at the top of my policy called the Midgets for Slaves Act of 1982. That’s right people. I came out of the womb with it in my hand. Those nine months of growing in a small space provided enough time for me to compose it, and it’s a genuine piece of legislation. Congress, I suggest you get on board. The last thing you want is me having to come up there and filibuster, because I can go on forever. Especially if I bring a case of whiskey to anger my blood more than it already is.

The Midgets for Slaves act doesn’t require any new taxes. In fact, it’s a non pork barrel spending bill. How’s that for making a change in Washington? Screw universal health care and the other typical political party talking points. We need midgets cleaning our toilets and sweeping our floors. Besides the obvious reason of not having to do anything, midgets are sure to provide us with extreme hilarity while they do the work we dread.

Some money will be needed for this project. I know, it’s supposed to be free right? Well try telling your new small servant that all of his/her work isn’t going to be compensated. I’m pretty sure without proper protection that these little, angry individuals will take a shot at your junk. So go out and by a cup. It’ll pay for itself after one day, and that’s a guarantee.

You’ll need a nice place for them to sleep. This problem comes with a cheap, if at no cost solution. If you have a sock drawer you’re already set. If not, visit a local thrift shop. This will also come in handy if you desire to buy clothes for your new little work bee. What better way to enjoy mass hilarity? A midget who cleans for free, while wearing old school concert tees that date back to the 70’s sounds great to me.

Be sure to feed your little fella. He/she isn’t going to be as productive without proper nutrition. Plus, you can probably just make a bigger ration of what you’re going to eat and break off the food you know you’re not going to finish. Keeping them healthy is essential to you living an apathetic lifestyle. As far as security is concerned, you’re on your own. Just be sure he/she has no access to the outside world. The last thing you need is a bunch of pissed off Gary Colemans revolting against the establishment.

My proposition is going to be met with some extreme dissent. Sure, it may not go along the guidelines of either political party, but nonetheless it’s a brilliant idea if you ask me. So if this goes through like I hope, use the following guidelines above. Your midget and you should be just fine.