So the economies in the dumper, oil’s up and the dollars down.  There are a few less jobs to be dealt, more mouths to be fed and the next four years are predicted to get worse.  So let’s blame Bush… or someone, but definitely a Republican.  It actually amazes me that we would even find another Republican to run in this rat race, and what surprises me even more, is that McCain was actually AHEAD in the polls!  

…Until now of course.  The truth of the matter is that the Republicans couldn’t believe it themselves!  Who would ever want to be the fall-guy for the next four years??  That’s crazy, no matter what anyone does, how much better can things really get?  They know this.  They’re smart people (they say).  But there’s a method to their madness for running in this Presidential race of course, but it goes far beyond anything we common laymen are privy to knowing.  When things really started heating up and looking really good for a McCain victory, the Republican party finally started waving the white flag and said, “fuck it, I guess the only way we can lose this thing is to choose a running mate that nobody ever heard of before.”  And Beavis joined in and said, “Yea, yea, from some state in East Bumblefuck that no ones ever even been to!”  Good idea, “But where?”  They sat around, rubbed their chins, and ripped open dozens of Castrol motor oil containers pouring them onto their Persian carpets, until finally someone said…

“Alaska!”  McCain, in the middle of a flashback, came- to and replied, “Eureka!”  But it wasn’t McCain who recommended Sarah Palin, it was one his advisors who said, “When I was John Edwards advisor we would travel quite often to Alaska and he started banging this local girl there involved in politics.  Her husband was never around because he was some big-wig that worked for BP Energy out there.  This chicks our perfect scape-goat to get out of this thing!  She’s anti-environment, pro-life, and a prominent feminist.  She admits she’s smoked a shit load of pot, and is the mother of five children, and the fifth one has downs!”  Finally McCain chimed back in and said, “How do you know so much about this woman?”  And his advisor said, “Well, John Edward’s told me the fifth child was mine.” 

Raptor, 6, was casually discussing the fuel efficiency of his mother’s new triple-black Lexus LS600h (I believe he said she got it from Beverly Hills Lexus).  Apple-Pie, also 6 and Persia, 7, are self-admittedly non auto-enthusiasts, yet extremely environmentally responsible.  They added that the BMW “Hydrogen” 7-Series actually gets up to 10 miles per gallon more than the Lexus, and is also just as conservatively priced in the low six-figures! 

From where I was sitting I could tell Raptor was a bit uncomfortable hearing this, and started getting defensive with the group.  He began speaking loudly, and over his peers at the table, claiming that the 7-Series is basically a “petrol car” and the technology for refueling a hydrogen engine doesn’t even exist!  But it wasn’t until the discussion turned to the recent California “hands-free” cell phone law that the heat really got turned up!

Skyler, 5, made the point that Raptors’ mom’s Lexus is not, in fact, Bluetooth enabled, but his father’s Hydrogen E-Series Mercedes was blue-tooth enabled, and got 10 MPG more than the beamer!  Raptor adamantly disagreed, citing facts from a recent blog on “Beamerworld.com” that the 7-Series was not only equipped with Bluetooth, but could also be equipped with PAN (Portable Area Network)!   But when Skyler said that PAN technology won’t be out until 2010, and even then it won’t be available in the U.S., Raptor THREW his VEGGIE-DOG across the table at Skyler, hitting him square in the face! 

Mariana and Guadalupe, the handlers of Raptor and Skyler, ran from the kitchen and immediately interceded.  They snatched the tofu-burger from Skyler’s clutch, which was cocked and ready to be launched back at Raptor in retaliation.  But the intervention proved to be of no use.  As soon as Marianna and Guadalupe headed back to the kitchen, Skyler grabbed a hand –full of his mashed potatoes and pressed them into the Raptor’s face, forcing him to swallow the high-carbohydrate, starchy vegetable, knowing perfectly well they weren’t even organically grown! 

It was at this point that the actual mother’s of Raptor and Skyler knew what they had to do.  They placed the glasses of their full-bodied 1965 Chateau Gruaud down on the table, and approached the two children… and the room fell silent, which seemed like it lasted for hours.  Raptor’s mom, a very thin woman in her mid-30’s, immediately started to induce vomiting in her son to get the potatoes up, while Skyler’s mom signaled to Marianna to remove him from the party.  Once Raptor was able to cleanse his system from the carbs, Guadalupe was signaled, and Skyler was quickly removed as well.  

The party resumed, but the debate continued, yet in a much more civilized manner.  We passed along some toro (which is the underbelly of the giant tuna, now endangered, but very rare and expensive!) and sipped Chateau Gruaud, which supposedly only 12 bottles of this robust and fruity wine are left in the world!   We discussed global-warming, and fuel efficiency, and behaved like adults. The night ended on a high, and I believe we actually came up with a few solutions that were going to write to the President about!  So until next time, I hope you enjoyed, “Overheard in L.A.” News that really matters, and let the debates continue as we try and solve the world’s problems- One issue at a time!