We were attempting to hold our tolerant tongues, but with the latest warning against Mexican Peppers, we felt we must speak out. First off, let us tell you how we sympathize with you. We understand it is very hard to grow foods organically, and get them to an accepting market while being stepped on by the fat cats greedily running our oppressive ‘democracy.’ We would like to offer our support to you humble farmers and growers. (Except the Midwest)

However we have a request, oh noble growers of Mexico. Could you please, pretty please, stop treating our fields like your citizens, and refrain from shitting all over them. It is tough being a vegan as is. (Vegetarians don’t count, as they are not as hardcore, and eat meat bi-products, just like Mussolini did.)

We have to traverse the raped landscape of this nation on our respective vespas and beachcruisers, all while hoping a gust of wind doesn’t blow our malnourished bodies away.  Now I can’t even enjoy a Red Pepper and Zucchini Quiche with out fear of getting the violent runs.

If you could do all of the Vegans of America this favor, the 15 of us, and the professors at Dartmouth, will be very grateful! All we ask is that you stop brutally oppressing your citizens for one moment, and correct this sanitation problem. After all, their freedoms and life savings will be there for you to pillage tomorrow! I need Mexican feces off my tomato today.

If you do not however correct this problem, we will need to have a serious response. We are completely against Republican wars, always, but we are not above dropping random bombs on undeserving victims for blue-state purposes. (Ask the Serbs)

That is obviously not a threat, as we are peace-loving individuals. Just please keep your disgusting body fluids to yourselves, and off of my $5 whole foods avocado. Thanks a bunch Jose.

Yours truly,
- Vegans of the American Continent & The Responsible Left

1. First, it is always important to make sure you’re talking louder and more often then the tool from the right you are debating. Ideas and factual support should not be considered. Volume and Pitch are what is important.

2. Make sure you let the person your debating know that you think they are childish and stupid for even considering said argument. Be sure to pepper in sighs and eye-rolls whenever your opponent is speaking. Let the audience know your opponent is literally laughable. [Make sure to audibly laugh, LOUD, about the opponents position.]

3. If you are asked a question that could possibly defeat your argument, immediately call them a racist. They probably are anyway.

4. When provided with facts, claim that they are forgeries, and part of a conspiracy. Make sure to name George Bush, and at-least one major corporation [preferably in the oil sector] in order to come up with a truly believable conspiracy. It lends it more credibility.

5. If the little Eichman you are debating somehow calls you out on a specific policy or behavior, get defensive immediately. Accuse them of being a tool for the bush administration, even if that has absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.

6. For the most part, we on the responsible left do not want to hear ANYTHING that a close-minded republican has to say. So, to limit my run-ins & debates with these non-tolerant Neanderthals, I try to stay out of fascist breeding grounds like steakhouses and banks. I stick to whole-food stores & parasailing lessons.

7. The most important thing to remember is that every right-winger is a soul-less racist, and you must remind them of this constantly. Whenever one of these "people" defeats you in the arena of ideas, go straight for personal attacks. It’s what George Washington would have wanted.

8. Unfortunately, sometimes you will come across a minority that, believe it or not, is NOT a liberal. These are the worst kind of right-wingers. You have to show them that it is not OK to be different. You must infer that these people are traitors to their race and have been led astray by the evil republicans. Since most of these right-wingers have been brainwashed by the George Bush regime, in cooperation with the uncle-tom Alberto Gonzalez, this may prove to be your most stubborn opponent.

9. Make sure when talking about your ideas and policies, to describe them in wildly vague terms, that could be taken to mean just about anything. This way later, when the political winds change, you can say that the new position was your position the whole time! Remember, vague niceties equal votes.

10. The most important debate method of the responsible left is talking down to your opponent. Remember, if they are a right-winger, they have no idea what they are talking about. You are clearly smarter and more informed, and your body language, the words you choose, and your tone should reflect your superiority. They have not gone through the trouble, like you have, to preach to the choir day in and day out, honing your wonderfully diverse debating skills. They have not tirelessly read through Jon Stewart’s latest textbook, for virtually minutes at a time. Their tiny brains cannot wrap their racism-filled minds around the tolerance we are attempting to preach.

If you do somehow happen to lose a debate to one of these Chevy-drivers, contact the ACLU and discuss litigation. If they won a debate, they most likely defamed your once-great name with falsehoods and slander. And remember, you will be supported by the public. Everyone respects and admires time-consuming personal litigation.

Written and performed by Nick Maranzano.

Written and performed by Nick Maranzano.