Last week, we examined the Waiter. But this week, we meet Gothic Teenagers (Nonus Conformistus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with their gay cousin, the Emo Kid, the Gothic Teenager can be easily recognized in America for their unique fashion style of wearing anything black, to display their view of the world (i.e. dark and evil, etc.). [illustrated in Fig 1.1]

The Gothic Teenagers are also known to have black hair (with optional colored streaks), facial piercings, over-sized combat boots, black lipstick, black mascara on their eyelashes, and black and red eyeliner, to disguise their inner pain. [example in Fig 1.2]

Other common traits of the Gothic Teenager includes wearing pale white make-up, t-shirts with industrial bands on them, sleeves that aren’t attached to anything, studded bracelets, fish-net stockings, and goth collars. [pictured below in Fig 1.3]

Perhaps the most important attributes of the Gothic Teenager, however, include being happy people who are unbelievably attractive and/or fit. [see Fig 1.4]

2. Habitat

When Gothic Teenagers aren’t in their obviously broken homes, they can be found at suburban strip mall food courts, Denny’s restaurants late at night, smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, all Spencer Gifts stores, and all Hot Topic stores. [pictured in Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the more popular hobbies of The Gothic Teenager include can usually be found worshiping the devil, reading poetry, being anti-establishment by smoking Marlboros, having AIM screennames like FireHellPainBabe666. [see Fig 3.1 for example of an typical goth AIM conversation]

The Gothic Teenager is also known for being heavily-exploited products of a bizarrely expressive youth sub-culture, slitting their wrists, secretly crying inside, fitting in with other non-conformists, and loving Tim Burton movies. [illustrated in Fig 3.2]

Other common hobbies of Gothic Teenagers include doing drugs, not having friends, and coming from dysfunctional families. [see Fig 3.3]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Gothic Teenager, feel free to say “Hi” when you see one. But, be warned: the Gothic Teenager is accustomed to being ridiculed by most of society. So when approaching one, be sure to look like The Cure, and/or mention how awesome Edgar Allan Poe is.

5. Fun Facts

It takes four Gothic Teenagers to change a light bulb: one to cry about it, one to write a poem about it, one to reject such a conformist act, and one to get his older brother to do it.

Last week, we examined Bill O’Reilly. But this week, we meet the Waiter (Foodus Jockeyus).

1. Description

The Waiter is a man and/or woman who can be identified most easily for its distinctive forced smile and fraudulent persona. On the surface, the Waiter appears to be friendly and pleasant. However, this is only their conniving ploy to convince you to give them money [see Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Waiter include gelling their hair and wearing mandatory uniforms [demonstrated in Fig 1.2].

2. Habitat

When the Waiter is not carrying food and beverages that he/she didn’t make, you can find them partying together in incestuous packs and in community colleges [pictured in Fig 2.1].

The Waiter can also be spotted in diners, cafes, and mid-level chain restaurants [see Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Waiters include getting pissed at customers, complaining about tips, and having no general ambition [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of the Waiter include binge drinking, smoking marijuana, not having health benefits, thinking they deserve a better tip for an expensive dinner even though they do just as much work for a cheaper meal, and snorting coke [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Waiter, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, be warned: the Waiter is a petty creature who enjoys getting together with other Waiters and discussing how awful a customer you are. So be sure to not provoke the Waiter when approaching it (unless you enjoy mucus-enhanced spittle as a condiment), and always be armed with tips (preferably over 15%) to keep it away from you.

5. Fun Facts

Did you know that 75% of the dead-beats from your high school are Waiters? The other 25% are gas station cashiers, day laborers, and pizza delivery boys.

Last week, we examined the PETA. But this week, we meet the Bill O’Reilly (No-Spinus Zoneus).

1. Description

The Bill O’Reilly is renowned the world over for his pale skin, extended forehead, and America-loving smirk [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Bill O’Reilly include a heavily make-uped turkey gobbler, a knowing eye that’s looking out for you, tasteful suit, and expressive hand gestures [illustrated in Fig 1.2 below]

2. Habitat

When the Bill O’Reilly is not in the No Spin Zone, it can be found in Fox News studios and on children’s bookshelves [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Bill O’Reilly mostly enjoys having common sense and being right [see Fig 3.1 below]

Among its other hobbies include hating the French, pissing off Keith Olbermann, and criticizing popular political figures [pictured in Fig 3.2].

The Bill O’Reilly is also known, on occasion, to tell people how they should live their lives [Bill O’Reilly’s opinion is demonstrated in a drawing in Fig 3.3].

When the Bill O’Reilly isn’t doing any of these things, it can be found eating Freedom fries, having phone sex with female employees, and waving his finger in disgust [see Fig 3.4]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Bill O’Reilly, don’t be a stranger. But be warned when approaching it- the Bill O’Reilly will mostly likely believe you have a leftist mainstream media agenda. So be sure to mention your blood-thirst hatred for the French and Michael Moore.

5. Fun Facts

The Bill O’Reilly can find the worst in anyone on the planet [see Fig 5.1 below].

Last week, we examined the Steven Spielberg. But this week, we meet People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Animalus Retardus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with “The People for the Eating and Tasting of Animals”, The PETA can be easily spotted in America for their short-hair and obvious homosexuality [pictured in Fig 1.1].

PETA is also known for its red-face from constantly screaming for animal safety [example of animal in Fig 1.2]

2. Habitat

When the PETA is not protesting outside veterinary clinics and food company shareholders meetings, they can be found at Indigo Girls concerts, at celebrity benefit dinners, and on propaganda billboard ads [see Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of PETA include applauding themselves for minor accomplishments, being celebrities who probably eat meat and wear fur, referring to pets as “animal companions”, only protecting adorable animals like chickens and dogs, wasting their time, ignoring the homeless [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

The PETA also enjoys not understanding that meat tastes delicious, fighting against animal research even if it produces a cure for AIDS, and making out with animals [see Fig 3.2].

Other common hobbies of the PETA include fear mongering instead of educating, euthanizing dogs and cats that aren’t adopted, being the Al Sharpton of animals, and advocating for humane chicken deaths instead of preventing it [pictured in Fig 3.3].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, feel free to say hi sometime. But before you approach them, be warned: when you first meet them, the PETA will scream things like “Murderer!”, and most likely throw buckets of blood at you.

So be sure to mention your desire to wear pleather and maybe present them with a veggie snack (even though vegetables are living organisms, too). Then, the PETA will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

PETA has never met an animal protest they didn’t like.

Last week, we examined Italians. But this week, we meet Steven Spielberg (Movieus Turdus).

1. Description

The Steven Spielberg can be most easily identified in America for its ubiquitous glasses, neatly-trimmed beard, horribly lazy eye, and smug expression developed from years of earning your money [see Fig 1.1].

2. Habitat

Hollywood, in his Malibu palace paid for with your hard-earned money, and movie sets filled with large-scale explosions, aging archaeologists, and lovable aliens [illustrated in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Steven Spielberg has many hobbies, among which include hating storylines, thinking you’re an idiot who only likes shiny objects and loud noises, and making unnecessary sequels [pictured in Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Steven Spielberg include mindlessly supporting for Democrats, counting your money with George Lucas, paying-off movie critics for rave reviews, and making more unnecessary sequels [see Fig 3.2 below].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Steven Spielberg, feel free to say Hi when you see him. But be warned, when approaching him, make sure you’re carrying a pointless script based on a classic novel that’s full of expensive special effects and CGIs. Otherwise, the Steven Spielberg will want nothing to do with you.

5. Fun Facts

The Steven Spielberg has never met a sequel it didn’t like.

Last week, we examined Mac Heads. But this week, we meet Italians (Pizzaus Boyus).

1. Description

The Italian can be recognized easily for their angry scowls, formed from years of getting unreasonably upset over small misunderstandings [see Fig 1.1]

Italians can also be identified for their dark hair, large puffy noses, and obesity from carbohydrate-specific diets. [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of Italians include unrelentingly ugly faces, combing their hair with carburetor grease, large-breasted women, hair in inappropriate places, tanned skin from African bloodlines, and notoriously blank facial expressions [pictured in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

New York City, New Jersey, Boston, Philadelphia, Miami, Chicago, and any city with restaurants having a name ending in a vowel [pictured below in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When Italians are not being hot-heads, they can be found slavishly believing in everything the Pope says, loan sharking, being born degenerates, loving Frank Sinatra, being controlled by the Mob, and using frantic hand gestures to express themselves [see Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of Italians include being closed-minded, being janitors, working in labor unions, being cowardly fighters, only eating foods made of tomatoes and dough and noodles, and working in the service industry [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Italians, feel free to say Hi when you see one. But be warned, Italians will be hostile at first. It is customary for them to angrily ask if you’re talking to them at least 2-3 times.

So when approaching them, be sure to wear a New York Yankees jersey and make a point to state how Rocky Marciano was the greatest boxer of all time.

After that, Italians should warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

It takes 4 Italians to change a light bulb. 1 to change the bulb and 3 to bury the guy they just killed to get the job.

Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).

1. Description

The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].

Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .

The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they’re aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones… while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]

Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple’s shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Mac Heads, don’t be a stranger. And by don’t be a stranger, I mean that you’ll have to go to their mom’s basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs’ MacWorld keynote speech.

After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.

Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).

1. Description

The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],

Bewitched [Fig 1.2],

Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],

and Flame [Fig 1.4].

You’ll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].

2. Habitat

When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens’ sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don’t need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it’s sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Gays, don’t be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.

After that the Gays should warm right up to you.

Last week, we met Wegroes. But this week, we examine the John McCain (Maverickus Contradictus).

1. Description

The John McCain can be easily spotted for his distinctive oldness and ivory white hair [pictured in Fig 1.1].

You’ll also recognize the John McCain for his decorative war medals [illustrated in Fig 1.2]

The John McCain is also known for its forced smile and bi-partisan thumbs up [see Fig 1.3]

2. Habitat

When the John McCain isn’t vacationing in North Vietnam, he can be found in Washington D.C., the deserts of Arizona, and in bed with anyone who can help his political career [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The John McCain has many hobbies, among which include trying to appear bi-partisan, using AARP coupons, being past the average life expectancy, receiving campaign finance from special interest groups then passing a campaign finance reform act, divorcing his wife after a paralyzing car accident, and not lifting his arms [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Other hobbies of the John McCain are voting to ban gay marriage, being a part of the Keating 5, taking Centrum Silver, undermining the Republican party, and contradicting himself while riding in the Straight Talk Express [see Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the John McCain, why not say “Hi” when you see him? But be warned, the John McCain will be hostile at first, so do not approach him screaming Vietnamese.

So make sure you tell him he’s an American hero and then offer to shine his Purple Heart, and the John McCain will warm right up to you.

Last week, we met the Homeless. But this week, we examine White People Who Act Black, or Wegroes (Blackus Pretendus).

1. Description

The Wegro can be easily spotted for wearing expensive designer jeans that are a minimum of 40 full sizes too big for them, so that they drag on the ground like the train of a wedding gown [see Fig 1.1]

You’ll also recognize a Wegro for his over-sized shirt made by FUBU [pictured in Fig 1.2]

In addition to the FUBU shirt, the Wegro is known universally for his angry sneer learned from years of mirror practicing, and chrome grill paid for by their parents’ cosmetic dental plan [illustrated in Fig 1.3 below]

Other common traits of the Wegro include tattooes featuring tributes to fallen rappers or slogans of their favorite rapper (i.e. "thug life"), over-priced sneakers made in a sweatshop by an underage Chinese boy who made 2 cents a day to help the Wegro fit in with their materialistic social circles, and hats worn backwards or to the side (representing the most successful sports team at the moment).

2. Location

When Wegroes aren’t in their parents’ living room watching BET, they can be found in any suburb of America that surrounds an inner city [see picture 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Wegroes have many hobbies, among which include listening to hip hop, being hated by blacks for making a mockery of their culture, being despised by whites for trying to be something that they can never be, smoking pot, being the bi-products of a cultural crossover, and flashing gang signs of gangs they’ve not/never belonged to [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Wegro are objectifying women, glorifying violence, mouth-breathing, having unprotected sex, and having Dr. Dre write and produce their songs so they can both make millions off the white-dominated Hip Hop audience [pictured below in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them Now that you’ve seen who they are, why not say “Hi” when you see a Wegro? Although, a warning: the Wegro does not like to be approached. At first he might say, “Yo bitch, I’ma blow you" or "Step off, yo! I’ma f*** ya sista without rubbers. Word." So be sure to wear something by Enyce or a New York Yankees hat, and definitely talk about how great Tupac Shakur was. The Wegro will then grip your hand and pull you into his chest. You’re now brothers. It’s one of their many friendly gestures. 

5. Notable White People Who Act Black Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, and Insane Clown Posse

Last week, we met the John Edwards. But this week, we examine the Homeless (Beardus Sparechangeus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. Description

The Homeless can be easily spotted for their unwashed skin and scraggly beards, reminiscent of the American Hippie, except their parents don’t send them checks [see Fig 1.1]

The Homeless is also known for wearing your old clothes [pictured in Fig 1.2]

2. Location

The Homeless are invisible to the general public, so they can not be seen on the street corners, back alleys, and dumpsters of the inner cities of America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Homeless have many hobbies, among which include not washing, having Vietnam war flashbacks, keeping urine in jars, being cared about only on Christmas and Thanksgiving, drinking brown-bagged wine, collecting bottles and cans when old Asian women don’t beat them to it, being ignored by people who would rather save animals, and begging [as pictured in Fig 3.1].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve learned the habits of the Homeless, feel free to say “hi”. But be warned when approaching them, because they will be hostile at first, and may even shake a used coffee cup at you. So be sure to bring spare change or a sandwich (nothing gourmet, however. The Homeless have adjusted their food standards after years of malnutrition).

Aside for that, the Homeless are very friendly creatures.

Last week, we met Obama Voters. But this week, we examine the John Edwards.

So let’s get to know him, shall we?

1. Family

(Hairus Coiffus Liberalus)

2. Description

This semi-popular ex-presidential candidate, has the appearance of a Ken doll. In the sense that he looks like one, speaks of nothing important, dresses like a game show host, and has no discernible genitalia [see Fig 1.1].

The John Edwards is also known for its blindingly white teeth. (its white teeth are a survival instinct, to distract people from analyzing its egotistical ramblings) [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

3. Habitat

When the John Edwards is not in its native North Carolina habitat, it can be found in district courts, campaign rallies, and anywhere with a mirror and a microphone [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

Other common habitats for the John Edwards include vehicles chasing ambulances and in Barack Obama’s pocket.

4. Hobbies

The John Edwards has many hobbies, most of which include endorsing Barack Obama for president, using taxpayer money to pay for haircuts, being a lawyer, filing frivolous medical malpractice lawsuits, not getting re-elected to his Senate seat, not winning presidential nominations, and voting for the Patriot Act and the Iraq War [see Fig 3.1].

5. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve learned the habits of the John Edwards, feel free to say “hi”. But be warned when approaching him, he is stand-offish at first, but he’ll warm up to you if you say you can help out his political career.

Aside for that, the John Edwards is a very friendly creature.

Last week, we met Fraternity Brothers. But this week, we examine the ever-present, Obama Voters (Youngus Ignoramus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like:

The Obama Voter comes in many shapes and sizes, but they only come in two colors: Black and White.

The Black Obama Voter can be identified easily because they’re black [example shown in Fig 1.1 below].

While the White Obama Voter can be easily identified for their whiteness [see Fig 1.2].

Also unique to the White Obama Voter are their perpetual frowns from white guilt [pictured below in Fig 1.3].

2. Where To Find Them:

The Black Obama Voter can be found in basketball courts, barbeques, inner cities, Baptist churches, mosques, Hip Hop clubs (that don’t play Gwen Stefani songs), and barbershops across the country [see Fig 2.1] .

And the White Obama Voter can be spotted on college campuses, the Whole Foods grocery store chain, “indie” rock shows, The Gap, and Starbuck’s coffeeshops in Seattle, Hollywood, Boston, New York City, and San Francisco [illustrated in Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies:

The Black Obama Voter has many hobbies, most of which include thinking OJ was innocent, eating the least appetizing part of chicken and pork, getting barked at by dogs, enjoying grape-flavored beverages, making White Obama Voters uncomfortable, and double-crossing Han Solo [see Fig 3.1].

Among the more popular hobbies of the White Obama Voter include being college students/professors/post-grads under 30, being rich, embellishing Obama’s Senate accomplishments, agreeing with Ron Paul despite him being Obama’s polar opposite politically, seeing nothing wrong about a black man asking for “Change”, co-opting/understanding Black Obama Voter anger, and using Obama as a “get-out-of-suspected-racism-forever” card [pictured below in Fig 3.2].

4. Notable Obama Voters:

Black Obama Voters: Al Sharpton [see Fig 4.1]

White Obama Voters: George Clooney [pictured in Fig 4.2]

5. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve met the Obama Voters, why not say “Hi” sometime? But be warned when approaching them: the Black Obama Voter is likely to challenge you to a non-organized game of basketball. It is an ancient ritual passed down from their ancestors of the 1970s.

But, the White Obama Voter will be very nervous around you on first meeting, if you’re non-caucasian. So you need to relate to them by saying you listen to Journey or watch The Office.

But most of all…

Last week, we met Hipsters. But this week, we examine Fraternities. More specifically, the Fraternity Brother species (Dateus Rapeus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The Fraternity Brother can be easily identified for their distinctive clothing style, the Popped Collar. Which consists of taking a pastel-colored American Eagle polo shirt, and flipping the collar upwards [pictured in Fig 1.1 below].

The popped collar acts as a sort of camouflage for the Fraternity Brother [see Fig 1.2]

The Fraternity Brother can also be spotted by his baseball cap being worn backwards, or awkwardly to the side [pictured in Fig 1.3]

Other common traits of the Fraternity Brother include wearing Live Strong bracelets, having gelled hair, wearing t-shirts with Greek lettering and slogans like “Go Ugly Early”, and having barbed-wire tattooes on their biceps.

2. Where To Find Them

Fraternity Brothers can be found at dollar draft nights at bars and in the run-down houses of college towns across America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

When they’re not posting up their drunken “shaming” pictures or YouTubing Dane Cook clips, the Fraternity Brother can be found drinking light beer from kegs, and changing Beirut rules wherever they go [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Among other Fraternity Brother hobbies include having bizarre initiation rituals [pictured in Fig 3.2].

And date rape [see Fig 3.3]

4. Notable Fraternity Brothers

[See figures 4.1 below].

5. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve met the Fraternity Brothers, why not say “Hi” when you see one? But be warned when approaching them: if you’re not in the Fraternity Brother’s Greek chapter (and you’re not an attractive girl with loose morals), he won’t want to speak to you.

So make sure that you learn a secret handshake, or have at least 2 girls with you upon meeting him.

But most of all…

Last week, we examined the College Revolutionary. But this week, we meet Indie kids. More specifically, the Hipster species (Totalus Conformistus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The Hipster can be most easily identified for their distinctive hairstyle, Bed Head. Which consists of not washing their hair, or sleeping in positions that allow the cowlicks on their heads to look fashionably unwashed [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Hipsters can also be identified for having 2% body fat [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Hipster include having a star tattooed on the inside of their wrist, growing an ironic mustache, wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70’s ski-vest, a high school sports T-shirt, Nixon-era Chuck Taylors, chunky plastic-frame glasses, and air-tight black girls jeans [seen below in Fig 1.3].

2. Where To Find Them

When the Hipster is not writing indie music reviews or posting up nightlife pictures of themselves, they can be seen living in Austin Texas, Portland Oregon, San Francisco, Los Angeles (Silver Lake), Wicker Park Chicago, and Williamsburg Brooklyn [pictured in Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Hipsters include coffee shops, the South-by-Southwest Music festival, and in the Art, Philosophy, or English courses at liberal arts colleges.

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Hipsters include being ironic, scoffing at anything mainstream, judging people on their musical tastes, having their parents pay their rent, frequently using the term “post-modern”, reading Nylon magazine, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, carrying a shoulder-strap messenger bag, and shopping at thrift stores [shown in Fig 3.1].

4. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve met the Hipsters, why not say “Hi” every once in a while? You can usually find them on Pitchfork, so be on the look out. But be warned, upon first meeting, Hipsters are likely to mock you for being mainstream or for liking a band that they were in to 10 years ago.

So it’s important for you to at least wear something from American Apparel or Urban Outfitters upon approaching a Hipster. But once you’ve done that, they’re generally nice people.

But most of all, have fun!

Last week, we examined the Guido. But today we’re going to meet the College Revolutionary. (Trustfundus Ignoramus)

Let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The College Revolutionary can be most easily recognized by his unique long hair and beard [pictured in Fig 1.1].

The College Revolutionary can also easily spotted on the Web for his beret-like hat and faded green Army jacket [as illustrated in Fig. 1.2 below].

2. Where to Find Them

The College Revolutionaries can be found at protests, rallies,or any kind of gathering with girls that are impressed by that kind of event. Most often, those events are held on the campuses of private colleges in New England or northern California [pictured in Fig. 2.1].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies among College Revolutionaries include saving Darfur, despising republicans, living off their parents wealth, ending Global Warming, smoking marijuana, supporting Barack Obama, and public speaking to groups of people that agree with them [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

4. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve learned about College Revolutionaries, why not say “Hi” if you see them on the Web? But be warned when approaching them: if you do not have long hair or a beard, the College Revolutionary will yell things like “Fascist!” and “Conformist!” until you go away.

So it is important that you at least wear a shirt or patch that states something negative about President Bush when engaging any College Revolutionary.

So have fun everybody, and MAKE FRIENDS

This week’s subject: New Jersey Sicilians. More specifically, the Guido species (Newjerseyus Trashus).

Let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The New Jersey Guido can be identified most easily for its distinctive hairstyle, the Blow-Out. Which consists of shaving off the sideburns and gelling the hair into spikes [shown below in Fig 1.1].

The Guido can also be spotted for its noticeably dark, spray tan [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Guido include wife beater t-shirts, steroid-enhanced muscles, and a large jaw-line [see Fig 1.3 below].

2. Where To Find Them

When the Guido is not posting pictures or videos of himself and his friends on the internet, he can be found in the dance clubs of the New Jersey Shore [pictured below Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Guidos include construction sites, plumbing services, and clubs (as bouncers)

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Guido include dancing erratically at clubs, drinking Jager Bombs, being racist toward black people, lifting weights, objectifying women, and wearing lip gloss [pictured below in Fig 3.1].

4. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve seen who they are, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, a warning: the Guido does not like to be approached. At first he will ask, “What the f*&k you looking at?”, or “You f&*king looking at me?” So it is important that you present yourself as a Guido, so he can relate to you.

And most importantly: Have Fun