Last week, we examined the Waiter. But this week, we meet Gothic Teenagers (Nonus Conformistus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with their gay cousin, the Emo Kid, the Gothic Teenager can be easily recognized in America for their unique fashion style of wearing anything black, to display their view of the world (i.e. dark and evil, etc.). [illustrated in Fig 1.1]

The Gothic Teenagers are also known to have black hair (with optional colored streaks), facial piercings, over-sized combat boots, black lipstick, black mascara on their eyelashes, and black and red eyeliner, to disguise their inner pain. [example in Fig 1.2]

Other common traits of the Gothic Teenager includes wearing pale white make-up, t-shirts with industrial bands on them, sleeves that aren’t attached to anything, studded bracelets, fish-net stockings, and goth collars. [pictured below in Fig 1.3]

Perhaps the most important attributes of the Gothic Teenager, however, include being happy people who are unbelievably attractive and/or fit. [see Fig 1.4]

2. Habitat

When Gothic Teenagers aren’t in their obviously broken homes, they can be found at suburban strip mall food courts, Denny’s restaurants late at night, smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, all Spencer Gifts stores, and all Hot Topic stores. [pictured in Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the more popular hobbies of The Gothic Teenager include can usually be found worshiping the devil, reading poetry, being anti-establishment by smoking Marlboros, having AIM screennames like FireHellPainBabe666. [see Fig 3.1 for example of an typical goth AIM conversation]

The Gothic Teenager is also known for being heavily-exploited products of a bizarrely expressive youth sub-culture, slitting their wrists, secretly crying inside, fitting in with other non-conformists, and loving Tim Burton movies. [illustrated in Fig 3.2]

Other common hobbies of Gothic Teenagers include doing drugs, not having friends, and coming from dysfunctional families. [see Fig 3.3]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Gothic Teenager, feel free to say “Hi” when you see one. But, be warned: the Gothic Teenager is accustomed to being ridiculed by most of society. So when approaching one, be sure to look like The Cure, and/or mention how awesome Edgar Allan Poe is.

5. Fun Facts

It takes four Gothic Teenagers to change a light bulb: one to cry about it, one to write a poem about it, one to reject such a conformist act, and one to get his older brother to do it.

Last week, we examined Bill O’Reilly. But this week, we meet the Waiter (Foodus Jockeyus).

1. Description

The Waiter is a man and/or woman who can be identified most easily for its distinctive forced smile and fraudulent persona. On the surface, the Waiter appears to be friendly and pleasant. However, this is only their conniving ploy to convince you to give them money [see Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Waiter include gelling their hair and wearing mandatory uniforms [demonstrated in Fig 1.2].

2. Habitat

When the Waiter is not carrying food and beverages that he/she didn’t make, you can find them partying together in incestuous packs and in community colleges [pictured in Fig 2.1].

The Waiter can also be spotted in diners, cafes, and mid-level chain restaurants [see Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Waiters include getting pissed at customers, complaining about tips, and having no general ambition [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

Other common hobbies of the Waiter include binge drinking, smoking marijuana, not having health benefits, thinking they deserve a better tip for an expensive dinner even though they do just as much work for a cheaper meal, and snorting coke [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Waiter, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, be warned: the Waiter is a petty creature who enjoys getting together with other Waiters and discussing how awful a customer you are. So be sure to not provoke the Waiter when approaching it (unless you enjoy mucus-enhanced spittle as a condiment), and always be armed with tips (preferably over 15%) to keep it away from you.

5. Fun Facts

Did you know that 75% of the dead-beats from your high school are Waiters? The other 25% are gas station cashiers, day laborers, and pizza delivery boys.

Last week, we examined the PETA. But this week, we meet the Bill O’Reilly (No-Spinus Zoneus).

1. Description

The Bill O’Reilly is renowned the world over for his pale skin, extended forehead, and America-loving smirk [pictured in Fig 1.1].

Other common traits of the Bill O’Reilly include a heavily make-uped turkey gobbler, a knowing eye that’s looking out for you, tasteful suit, and expressive hand gestures [illustrated in Fig 1.2 below]

2. Habitat

When the Bill O’Reilly is not in the No Spin Zone, it can be found in Fox News studios and on children’s bookshelves [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Bill O’Reilly mostly enjoys having common sense and being right [see Fig 3.1 below]

Among its other hobbies include hating the French, pissing off Keith Olbermann, and criticizing popular political figures [pictured in Fig 3.2].

The Bill O’Reilly is also known, on occasion, to tell people how they should live their lives [Bill O’Reilly’s opinion is demonstrated in a drawing in Fig 3.3].

When the Bill O’Reilly isn’t doing any of these things, it can be found eating Freedom fries, having phone sex with female employees, and waving his finger in disgust [see Fig 3.4]

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Bill O’Reilly, don’t be a stranger. But be warned when approaching it- the Bill O’Reilly will mostly likely believe you have a leftist mainstream media agenda. So be sure to mention your blood-thirst hatred for the French and Michael Moore.

5. Fun Facts

The Bill O’Reilly can find the worst in anyone on the planet [see Fig 5.1 below].

Last week, we examined the Steven Spielberg. But this week, we meet People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Animalus Retardus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with “The People for the Eating and Tasting of Animals”, The PETA can be easily spotted in America for their short-hair and obvious homosexuality [pictured in Fig 1.1].

PETA is also known for its red-face from constantly screaming for animal safety [example of animal in Fig 1.2]

2. Habitat

When the PETA is not protesting outside veterinary clinics and food company shareholders meetings, they can be found at Indigo Girls concerts, at celebrity benefit dinners, and on propaganda billboard ads [see Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of PETA include applauding themselves for minor accomplishments, being celebrities who probably eat meat and wear fur, referring to pets as “animal companions”, only protecting adorable animals like chickens and dogs, wasting their time, ignoring the homeless [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

The PETA also enjoys not understanding that meat tastes delicious, fighting against animal research even if it produces a cure for AIDS, and making out with animals [see Fig 3.2].

Other common hobbies of the PETA include fear mongering instead of educating, euthanizing dogs and cats that aren’t adopted, being the Al Sharpton of animals, and advocating for humane chicken deaths instead of preventing it [pictured in Fig 3.3].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, feel free to say hi sometime. But before you approach them, be warned: when you first meet them, the PETA will scream things like “Murderer!”, and most likely throw buckets of blood at you.

So be sure to mention your desire to wear pleather and maybe present them with a veggie snack (even though vegetables are living organisms, too). Then, the PETA will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

PETA has never met an animal protest they didn’t like.

Last week, we examined Italians. But this week, we meet Steven Spielberg (Movieus Turdus).

1. Description

The Steven Spielberg can be most easily identified in America for its ubiquitous glasses, neatly-trimmed beard, horribly lazy eye, and smug expression developed from years of earning your money [see Fig 1.1].

2. Habitat

Hollywood, in his Malibu palace paid for with your hard-earned money, and movie sets filled with large-scale explosions, aging archaeologists, and lovable aliens [illustrated in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Steven Spielberg has many hobbies, among which include hating storylines, thinking you’re an idiot who only likes shiny objects and loud noises, and making unnecessary sequels [pictured in Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Steven Spielberg include mindlessly supporting for Democrats, counting your money with George Lucas, paying-off movie critics for rave reviews, and making more unnecessary sequels [see Fig 3.2 below].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Steven Spielberg, feel free to say Hi when you see him. But be warned, when approaching him, make sure you’re carrying a pointless script based on a classic novel that’s full of expensive special effects and CGIs. Otherwise, the Steven Spielberg will want nothing to do with you.

5. Fun Facts

The Steven Spielberg has never met a sequel it didn’t like.