Dear Loved Ones,

    I want to take this moment to let you know that I do truly love you from the bottom of my heart, but you know in less than a month I will become the “devil’s bastard spawn” as Grandma put it so lovingly last fall.  College football season is merely weeks away so I want to apologize in advance for my actions yet to come.  I know that I will miss about fourteen birthdays, two anniversaries, and the birth of my retarded nephew.  Come on you know Stacy was on X the night she fucked that hot dog vendor, don’t blame me…I had to hold down the seats…Mom don’t bitch please, she’s seventeen and midfield tickets don’t grow on trees.

    I have already set up an account at the credit union on the corner of Main and 1st with Dad as an additional account signer.  There is enough money in it to make bail twice and a little left over to cover any unmade bets while I’m in.  Steve might contribute a few bucks also for our trip to Oklahoma.  I promise that I will not go back to Louisiana this season.  The restraining order is enough to keep me away.  Uncle Carl I apologize again for calling your Tigers “cheating cum-sucking whores” and I will pay you back at the end of the season when my Gators whoop their sorry asses.

    Grandpa I owe you an advanced apology for betting your house on the Michigan-Notre Dame game.  I don’t remember who I betted on, but if this season is anything like last’s, neither will win.
    The beer is cold and UPS just dropped off a case of Florida orange paint so I will end it here.  I will see yall come January.

Love,
Aluwishes “Go Gators” McFinkelstein