“What brings you here today Mr. Bird?” the doctor asks.
        ‘My back hurts all the time.  Mostly my lower back, but at night when I lay out flat the pain shoots up between my shoulder blades and begins to spasm.”  I deliver the line like I mean every word.
    “Motorcycle wreck?”
    “Yes sir.  I fell off the back of a dirt bike and landed right on my ass bone.”
    “Your coccyx?”
    “No just my ass.”
    “Well let’s just take your vitals.” He leads me into a small barren room with only a sphygmomanometer and a thermometer sitting on a folding table.
        “Open your mouth and roll up your sleeve.”  He plops in the temperature stick under my tongue as I take off my jacket and roll up my t-shirt.
    “Nice tattoo,” he says strapping on the blood pressure cuff.
    “Yeah, it’s a work in progress.”
    “Is that Bugs Bunny?”
    “Yeah, when it’s done it will be a full arm honorarium to Chuck Jones.”  The cuff tightens so hard Bugs’ eyes bulge red.
    “Yeah I was young and stupid once.”
    “What is that supposed to mean?”
    “Nothing against you or your tattoo, I was stupid on my own accord.  When I was working on my bachelors, a few of us in the dorm decided to go to Maine on spring break.  All the other guys had cool tattoos of pin-up girls and flaming skulls so I had to have one too.  They got me hammered drunk the last night and we went to this old parlor on the beach.  My buddies said they would pay for the work if they could pick it out.  Since I was low on cash already, I agreed.”
    The pressure cuff began to loosen as the gray haired doctor looked me square in the eyes.
    “Son, I hate to say it, but you have high blood pressure.  Lay off the sodium in your diet.”
    “Is it bad?”
    “No just use garlic instead.”
    “What?”
    “What what?”
    “Is the blood pressure a bad thing?”
    “Not at your age, but a pink lobster holding a pirate flag is.”
    “Excuse me?”
     The doc points his finger under the table and lifts his pants leg just over the sock line.  A lobster’s pink claw grasps a brass flagpole waving the Jolly Roger like a high school twirler.
    “Don’t drink on these pills either,” he says drawing my attention back to eye level.
    “Don’t worry about that.  I use them mostly to fall asleep… without pain of course.”
    “None of these are sleeping aids Mr. Bird.”
    “Every time I take a xanax I fall asleep after losing my keys and wallet.”
    “Mr. Bird please step back your dosing on them.  You might try only half of one from now on.”
    “My anxiety is …”
    “I have one patient who is so afraid to ride in a car she has to take two just to go to the grocery store.”
    “How does she shop like that?”
    “Her system uses the effect of the drug for the ride and kind of represses it while she’s shopping.  As soon as she gets back in the car she normally passes out until she gets home to put up the groceries.”
    “She doesn’t drive herself, does she?”
    “Heck no, my dad’s dead so I have to cart the looney around.”
    “Uhhhh……..”
    “Yeah so have yourself a good day now.  The nurse at the window has your prescription and your receipt.  Goodbye now.”