There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met the John Edwards. But this week, we examine the Homeless (Beardus Sparechangeus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. Description

The Homeless can be easily spotted for their unwashed skin and scraggly beards, reminiscent of the American Hippie, except their parents don’t send them checks [see Fig 1.1]

The Homeless is also known for wearing your old clothes [pictured in Fig 1.2]

2. Location

The Homeless are invisible to the general public, so they can not be seen on the street corners, back alleys, and dumpsters of the inner cities of America [illustrated in Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The Homeless have many hobbies, among which include not washing, having Vietnam war flashbacks, keeping urine in jars, being cared about only on Christmas and Thanksgiving, drinking brown-bagged wine, collecting bottles and cans when old Asian women don’t beat them to it, being ignored by people who would rather save animals, and begging [as pictured in Fig 3.1].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve learned the habits of the Homeless, feel free to say “hi”. But be warned when approaching them, because they will be hostile at first, and may even shake a used coffee cup at you. So be sure to bring spare change or a sandwich (nothing gourmet, however. The Homeless have adjusted their food standards after years of malnutrition).

Aside for that, the Homeless are very friendly creatures.