There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined Italians. But this week, we meet Steven Spielberg (Movieus Turdus).

1. Description

The Steven Spielberg can be most easily identified in America for its ubiquitous glasses, neatly-trimmed beard, horribly lazy eye, and smug expression developed from years of earning your money [see Fig 1.1].

2. Habitat

Hollywood, in his Malibu palace paid for with your hard-earned money, and movie sets filled with large-scale explosions, aging archaeologists, and lovable aliens [illustrated in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Steven Spielberg has many hobbies, among which include hating storylines, thinking you’re an idiot who only likes shiny objects and loud noises, and making unnecessary sequels [pictured in Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Steven Spielberg include mindlessly supporting for Democrats, counting your money with George Lucas, paying-off movie critics for rave reviews, and making more unnecessary sequels [see Fig 3.2 below].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the Steven Spielberg, feel free to say Hi when you see him. But be warned, when approaching him, make sure you’re carrying a pointless script based on a classic novel that’s full of expensive special effects and CGIs. Otherwise, the Steven Spielberg will want nothing to do with you.

5. Fun Facts

The Steven Spielberg has never met a sequel it didn’t like.