There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Steven Spielberg. But this week, we meet People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (Animalus Retardus).

1. Description

Not to be confused with “The People for the Eating and Tasting of Animals”, The PETA can be easily spotted in America for their short-hair and obvious homosexuality [pictured in Fig 1.1].

PETA is also known for its red-face from constantly screaming for animal safety [example of animal in Fig 1.2]

2. Habitat

When the PETA is not protesting outside veterinary clinics and food company shareholders meetings, they can be found at Indigo Girls concerts, at celebrity benefit dinners, and on propaganda billboard ads [see Fig 2.1]

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of PETA include applauding themselves for minor accomplishments, being celebrities who probably eat meat and wear fur, referring to pets as “animal companions”, only protecting adorable animals like chickens and dogs, wasting their time, ignoring the homeless [illustrated in Fig 3.1].

The PETA also enjoys not understanding that meat tastes delicious, fighting against animal research even if it produces a cure for AIDS, and making out with animals [see Fig 3.2].

Other common hobbies of the PETA include fear mongering instead of educating, euthanizing dogs and cats that aren’t adopted, being the Al Sharpton of animals, and advocating for humane chicken deaths instead of preventing it [pictured in Fig 3.3].

4. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve met the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, feel free to say hi sometime. But before you approach them, be warned: when you first meet them, the PETA will scream things like “Murderer!”, and most likely throw buckets of blood at you.

So be sure to mention your desire to wear pleather and maybe present them with a veggie snack (even though vegetables are living organisms, too). Then, the PETA will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts

PETA has never met an animal protest they didn’t like.