There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we examined the Gays. But this week, we meet Mac Heads (Appleus Fanboyus).

1. Description

The Mac Head can be most easily spotted for their distinctive fanboy smugness, derived from years of bragging about Apple products [see Fig 1.1].

Mac Heads are also known for being horribly unattractive, possessing foul body odor, being overweight, and having IQs bordering retardation [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Mac Head include a famously inadequate sexual prowess and noticeably muscular hands from masturbating to the thought of iPhone 2.0 [illustrated in Fig 1.3].

2. Habitat

When not camping out in lines waiting for new Apple products, the Mac Head can be found knelt down at the temple of Steve Jobs (for spiritual and carnal reasons) [as shown in Fig 2.1] .

The Mac Head is also known to be spotted at their mecca (now with over 74 locations nationwide) [seen below 2.2].

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of the Mac Head include having an obsession with Apple products, spending all their time reciting facts about why Macs are better than PCs even though they’re aware that Apple could give a shit about any of them, and having group orgies while thinking about iPhones… while waiting in lines to buy iPhones [see Fig 3.1]

Other common hobbies included continuously buying Apple’s shoddy made-in-China products and mindlessly downloading iTunes when they could get the same song for free somewhere else [pictured in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Mac Heads, don’t be a stranger. And by don’t be a stranger, I mean that you’ll have to go to their mom’s basement to meet them. So make sure to bring lots of snack cakes and a bootleg of Steve Jobs’ MacWorld keynote speech.

After that, the Mac Head will warm right up to you.

5. Fun Facts It takes 5 Mac Heads to change a light bulb. 1 to change the light, and 4 to get together in small groups to gab about their favorite parts.