There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met Wegroes. But this week, we examine the John McCain (Maverickus Contradictus).

1. Description

The John McCain can be easily spotted for his distinctive oldness and ivory white hair [pictured in Fig 1.1].

You’ll also recognize the John McCain for his decorative war medals [illustrated in Fig 1.2]

The John McCain is also known for its forced smile and bi-partisan thumbs up [see Fig 1.3]

2. Habitat

When the John McCain isn’t vacationing in North Vietnam, he can be found in Washington D.C., the deserts of Arizona, and in bed with anyone who can help his political career [see Fig 2.1].

3. Hobbies

The John McCain has many hobbies, among which include trying to appear bi-partisan, using AARP coupons, being past the average life expectancy, receiving campaign finance from special interest groups then passing a campaign finance reform act, divorcing his wife after a paralyzing car accident, and not lifting his arms [pictured in Fig 3.1]

Other hobbies of the John McCain are voting to ban gay marriage, being a part of the Keating 5, taking Centrum Silver, undermining the Republican party, and contradicting himself while riding in the Straight Talk Express [see Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the John McCain, why not say “Hi” when you see him? But be warned, the John McCain will be hostile at first, so do not approach him screaming Vietnamese.

So make sure you tell him he’s an American hero and then offer to shine his Purple Heart, and the John McCain will warm right up to you.