There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met Obama Voters. But this week, we examine the John Edwards.

So let’s get to know him, shall we?

1. Family

(Hairus Coiffus Liberalus)

2. Description

This semi-popular ex-presidential candidate, has the appearance of a Ken doll. In the sense that he looks like one, speaks of nothing important, dresses like a game show host, and has no discernible genitalia [see Fig 1.1].

The John Edwards is also known for its blindingly white teeth. (its white teeth are a survival instinct, to distract people from analyzing its egotistical ramblings) [illustrated in Fig 1.2].

3. Habitat

When the John Edwards is not in its native North Carolina habitat, it can be found in district courts, campaign rallies, and anywhere with a mirror and a microphone [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

Other common habitats for the John Edwards include vehicles chasing ambulances and in Barack Obama’s pocket.

4. Hobbies

The John Edwards has many hobbies, most of which include endorsing Barack Obama for president, using taxpayer money to pay for haircuts, being a lawyer, filing frivolous medical malpractice lawsuits, not getting re-elected to his Senate seat, not winning presidential nominations, and voting for the Patriot Act and the Iraq War [see Fig 3.1].

5. How to Approach Him

Now that you’ve learned the habits of the John Edwards, feel free to say “hi”. But be warned when approaching him, he is stand-offish at first, but he’ll warm up to you if you say you can help out his political career.

Aside for that, the John Edwards is a very friendly creature.