There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met the John McCain. But this week, we examine the Gays (Fashionus Fruitus).

1. Description

The Gays come in many shapes and sizes, but they can be recognized for their 4 distinctive types: Leather [Fig 1.1],

Bewitched [Fig 1.2],

Ken Doll [Fig 1.3],

and Flame [Fig 1.4].

You’ll also recognize the Gays for always having their mouths open [see Fig 1.5 below].

2. Habitat

When the Gays are not in their native New York City and Los Angeles habitats (otherwise known as the land of fruits and nuts), they can be found in Metro areas, secluded public restrooms, and any place where princess costumes come in mens’ sizes [pictured in Fig 2.1 below].

3. Hobbies

The Gays have many hobbies, among which include being Republican senators, producing network TV sitcoms, being obsessed with fashion, dressing models up like girlie dolls, being witty, marrying in California, smelling flowers, buying stuff they don’t need, loving Justin Timberlake, and joining the priesthood to justify not dating [see Fig 3.1].

Other hobbies of the Gays are prancing, jazzercising, gelling their hair, being parent-failed penis lovers, designing fashion so that women think it’s sexy for men to dress gayer, walking bow-legged, watching LOGO, playing with dandelions, and training exotic tigers [explored in Fig 3.2].

4. How to Approach Them

Now that you’ve met the Gays, don’t be a stranger when you see them. However, be warned, Gays may be hostile at first, so do not approach them with a naked woman or a confederate flag.

After that the Gays should warm right up to you.