There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

This week’s subject: New Jersey Sicilians. More specifically, the Guido species (Newjerseyus Trashus).

Let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like

The New Jersey Guido can be identified most easily for its distinctive hairstyle, the Blow-Out. Which consists of shaving off the sideburns and gelling the hair into spikes [shown below in Fig 1.1].

The Guido can also be spotted for its noticeably dark, spray tan [pictured below in Fig 1.2].

Other common traits of the Guido include wife beater t-shirts, steroid-enhanced muscles, and a large jaw-line [see Fig 1.3 below].

2. Where To Find Them

When the Guido is not posting pictures or videos of himself and his friends on the internet, he can be found in the dance clubs of the New Jersey Shore [pictured below Fig 2.1].

Other locations to spot Guidos include construction sites, plumbing services, and clubs (as bouncers)

3. Hobbies

Among the most popular hobbies of Guido include dancing erratically at clubs, drinking Jager Bombs, being racist toward black people, lifting weights, objectifying women, and wearing lip gloss [pictured below in Fig 3.1].

4. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve seen who they are, why not say “Hi” when you see one? Although, a warning: the Guido does not like to be approached. At first he will ask, “What the f*&k you looking at?”, or “You f&*king looking at me?” So it is important that you present yourself as a Guido, so he can relate to you.

And most importantly: Have Fun