There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country for newborns and immigrants with a series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.
Last week, we examined the Waiter. But this week, we meet Gothic Teenagers (Nonus Conformistus).
1. Description
Not to be confused with their gay cousin, the Emo Kid, the Gothic Teenager can be easily recognized in America for their unique fashion style of wearing anything black, to display their view of the world (i.e. dark and evil, etc.). [illustrated in Fig 1.1]
The Gothic Teenagers are also known to have black hair (with optional colored streaks), facial piercings, over-sized combat boots, black lipstick, black mascara on their eyelashes, and black and red eyeliner, to disguise their inner pain. [example in Fig 1.2]
Other common traits of the Gothic Teenager includes wearing pale white make-up, t-shirts with industrial bands on them, sleeves that aren’t attached to anything, studded bracelets, fish-net stockings, and goth collars. [pictured below in Fig 1.3]
Perhaps the most important attributes of the Gothic Teenager, however, include being happy people who are unbelievably attractive and/or fit. [see Fig 1.4]
2. Habitat
When Gothic Teenagers aren’t in their obviously broken homes, they can be found at suburban strip mall food courts, Denny’s restaurants late at night, smoking cigarettes in high school bathrooms, all Spencer Gifts stores, and all Hot Topic stores. [pictured in Fig 2.1]
3. Hobbies
Among the more popular hobbies of The Gothic Teenager include can usually be found worshiping the devil, reading poetry, being anti-establishment by smoking Marlboros, having AIM screennames like FireHellPainBabe666. [see Fig 3.1 for example of an typical goth AIM conversation]
The Gothic Teenager is also known for being heavily-exploited products of a bizarrely expressive youth sub-culture, slitting their wrists, secretly crying inside, fitting in with other non-conformists, and loving Tim Burton movies. [illustrated in Fig 3.2]
Other common hobbies of Gothic Teenagers include doing drugs, not having friends, and coming from dysfunctional families. [see Fig 3.3]
4. How to Approach Him
Now that you’ve met the Gothic Teenager, feel free to say “Hi” when you see one. But, be warned: the Gothic Teenager is accustomed to being ridiculed by most of society. So when approaching one, be sure to look like The Cure, and/or mention how awesome Edgar Allan Poe is.
5. Fun Facts
It takes four Gothic Teenagers to change a light bulb: one to cry about it, one to write a poem about it, one to reject such a conformist act, and one to get his older brother to do it.
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February 1st, 2009 at 11:27 pm
this touched my dark abbysmal heart…, err, i mean, if i had one……
February 19th, 2009 at 12:14 am
You know, you think you can write things about goth kids in stereotype. You dont realize, everybody is a stereotype. I picture you as a fat loser that does nothing but sit behind his computer all day and type shit about people he knows nothing about. If youre gonna write about something, make it something you know. Not something you assume.
-Nikala
February 26th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Nikala,
We know everyone is a stereotype. We also know that stereotype equals fact. Without stereotypes, things wouldn’t be funny.
Jimminey Out
March 12th, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Well I think its a kinda distorted point of view. There is an artistic part behind the goths after all (You got the worst pictures I have ever seen in my entire life! ;). If you can say that “sraight” people are strange too, well Goths will laugh out to this joke.
April 29th, 2009 at 9:17 pm
this is amazing. i myself and the lovely man behind me who showed me this article are actaully both part of the scene of the so called “halloweens ideal characters”. to be honest you take yourself to serious if you cant laugh at things about you or what you do. great work this being saved and showed to all my “flying night creature friends” XD
April 29th, 2009 at 9:22 pm
This is by far the most accurate description of the creature known as “Nonus Conformitus”. why just the other day I was curousing through nature when I spotted one myself. The poor thing was obviously battered into doing yardwork for his dysfunctional parents but trying to maintain his level of stsatus in his community by digging a trench in combat boots and a long trench coat (ha! irony!) apparently unbeknownst to him it WAS JULY!.
December 23rd, 2009 at 3:11 am
wtf, u know NOTHING about goths, i kno this because i AM one and this is absolute BULLSHIT. Being goth is about being unique and different and not caring what people think about it. We do NOT slit our wrists, that’s an emo - who is NOT a ‘gay cousin’. write about things u kno ass hole. not all goths smoke u kno! and over half the goths i know hav no idea who Edgar Allan Poe iz.
Goths are not depressed and do not neccisarily find those kind of people atractive.
U r an idiot and only humiliate urself because this is all bullshit and ne one who thinks itz rite is a fucking idiot
January 8th, 2010 at 11:42 am
I am a goth chick with a mohawk and tattoo on my head and this was the best goth stereotype that I have seen. I kept laughing because so much of it is true. However, were are no emo and do not cut. The world maybe pointless but we man up and deal with it. A few may have marks from when they were emo… err bad goth kid, but anyone who cuts while being a goth tends to do so for pleasure (sexual or otherwise). Meh, my opinion. P.S. I hate sports
January 8th, 2010 at 3:28 pm
Hysterical.
February 5th, 2010 at 6:17 pm
I was a “Goth” in high school and I still kind of am now. And this is fucking funny as hell. Kudos.
Also, well said Geoff.
February 9th, 2010 at 9:16 am
Yeah, I agree with the others. And I disagree with some of the above statements. Not all Goth Teenagers worship Satan. I’m a Satanist, I do not dress goth, but I do have a peculiar fashion. I typically try to wear something that expresses how I feel, which is typically fairly happy and content. I think the problem is that people get this preconceived idea of How They Want People to Be. And for the so called “Christians” that agree with the above, who are they to judge? Is it not their “god’s” divine right to be the final judge? Some Christians make me “divinely” sick, but some of my best friends are Christian, and I wholeheartedly respect their beliefs because they respect mine. Some families are dysfunctional, however, I do not believe that it has anything to do with how people SHOULD be. Most just use it as a scapegoat to act a certain way. Goth, emo, devout shit-spewing Baptist (I speak with experience from my family on the latter topic). . .I don’t really care what you are, but your past should not effect how your decisions.
As a child, I was molested by my father, who; according to his lies; was a Christian. I thought “god” punished people for that, but apparently you can go to heaven if you say,”I’m sorry,” and suck Jesus’ dick. I’m sorry, but if he’s in heaven, I would much rather prefer to burn in Hell. At least I’ll be away from that wretch. (Just for clarification, I don’t believe in god, satan, or heaven and hell. That is Theistic Satanism, I practise my own variation of it, and as for what I believe, that is between me and someone less ignorant.{For those who think they know, it’s not LaVeyan Satanism either.})
See you in “Hell”
-Prince Chaos, High Priest of the Coven of Darkness
March 16th, 2010 at 10:08 am
cool thanks for posting this
April 6th, 2010 at 4:01 pm
Touching if i could feel it……. rite now nothing seems to hurt, make me happy, or anything else really………. Ira is gone…….
April 7th, 2010 at 9:47 pm
Howdy! I like your blog but I’m having problems getting it to show right in the Nautilus browser. You might want to check your stylesheets. Word!
May 6th, 2010 at 9:46 pm
I love it! It sounds just like the jokes we make about ourselves, as per what everyone else thinks!
I ROFLed the whole way through
May 27th, 2010 at 1:21 pm
you guys are so dumb this is not how the gothic culture is we started from music and lonelyness and us goths we all did not come from a messed up famly we chose to be differant so deal with it this is false info if you belive this than your not so bright if you want inf to to a real goth
(- -) vlad out A L
VV
May 27th, 2010 at 1:24 pm
you guys would make me sick if i had fealings it would break my hart if i had one but this world is just a black abiss like my soal.
June 4th, 2010 at 11:21 am
Not really funny. It’s too mean-spirited to be funny.
July 17th, 2010 at 1:23 pm
I hope this is meant in fun.
I’m thirteen and I’m a Goth - and proud. I will never do drugs or anything like (roll your eyes all you like). I’m a Christian - the Satan stuff is rubbish. Most Goths are normal people - only about 3% are the ones described above. I just wish the druggie Satanist stereotype would be dropped.
But Tim Burton does rock. And you could have put up a more attractive picture of Robert Smith (use unattractive pictures to makea point, of course).