There are a lot of people in America today. That’s why each week, The Panda Page breaks down the anonymity of our great country with a new series called, A Field Guide to the People of America.

Last week, we met Fraternity Brothers. But this week, we examine the ever-present, Obama Voters (Youngus Ignoramus).

So let’s get to know them, shall we?

1. What They Look Like:

The Obama Voter comes in many shapes and sizes, but they only come in two colors: Black and White.

The Black Obama Voter can be identified easily because they’re black [example shown in Fig 1.1 below].

While the White Obama Voter can be easily identified for their whiteness [see Fig 1.2].

Also unique to the White Obama Voter are their perpetual frowns from white guilt [pictured below in Fig 1.3].

2. Where To Find Them:

The Black Obama Voter can be found in basketball courts, barbeques, inner cities, Baptist churches, mosques, Hip Hop clubs (that don’t play Gwen Stefani songs), and barbershops across the country [see Fig 2.1] .

And the White Obama Voter can be spotted on college campuses, the Whole Foods grocery store chain, “indie” rock shows, The Gap, and Starbuck’s coffeeshops in Seattle, Hollywood, Boston, New York City, and San Francisco [illustrated in Fig 2.2].

3. Hobbies:

The Black Obama Voter has many hobbies, most of which include thinking OJ was innocent, eating the least appetizing part of chicken and pork, getting barked at by dogs, enjoying grape-flavored beverages, making White Obama Voters uncomfortable, and double-crossing Han Solo [see Fig 3.1].

Among the more popular hobbies of the White Obama Voter include being college students/professors/post-grads under 30, being rich, embellishing Obama’s Senate accomplishments, agreeing with Ron Paul despite him being Obama’s polar opposite politically, seeing nothing wrong about a black man asking for “Change”, co-opting/understanding Black Obama Voter anger, and using Obama as a “get-out-of-suspected-racism-forever” card [pictured below in Fig 3.2].

4. Notable Obama Voters:

Black Obama Voters: Al Sharpton [see Fig 4.1]

White Obama Voters: George Clooney [pictured in Fig 4.2]

5. Approaching Them in the Wild

Now that you’ve met the Obama Voters, why not say “Hi” sometime? But be warned when approaching them: the Black Obama Voter is likely to challenge you to a non-organized game of basketball. It is an ancient ritual passed down from their ancestors of the 1970s.

But, the White Obama Voter will be very nervous around you on first meeting, if you’re non-caucasian. So you need to relate to them by saying you listen to Journey or watch The Office.

But most of all…